FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
