First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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