Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
