He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
