Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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