I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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