You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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