You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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