I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize