She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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