Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
