I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
