Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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