i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
being pregnant is like rehab
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
