Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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