why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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