I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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