The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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