I wish I could teleport
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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