everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
