What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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