I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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