and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
