It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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