its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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