your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
