I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize