Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
