i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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