At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
