I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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