I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
