she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
