a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My pussy is not your playground.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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