Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
