And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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