You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There's always time for handjobs
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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