So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
