You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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