I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize