i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
