Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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