We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
