I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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