His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
