i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
