Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
