On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
