You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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