you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
