now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
