**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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