Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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