in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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