He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
