M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
