Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
