Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
