I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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