Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
