i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
