Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
