I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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