i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
