it was like eating out sand paper
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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