I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
