I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
