Don't you send me to vm
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
