The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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