Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
