One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
