she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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