the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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