So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
