You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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