found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
